You Stare into the Metaphoric Distance

Reading NHK led me to a desire for change. One of differences I noted between myself and Sato is that there are things that I want to do. One of the things that has led to my lifestyle is my nihilistic outlook. Nothing is important to me. I don't care about consequences and I don't care about loss. Sometimes I feel loss. Though even when I feel loss, I probably could have prevented losing whatever I lost had I cared. But this form of nihilism isn't particularly conscious. I may care a great deal for something consciously, but inwardly I can throw it away without blinking. So I relate with having no strong desires. On the other hand, there are things that I think would make me happier. This is important because I'm not happy.

Because I want to be happy, I'm committing myself to certain goals. The biggest goal for me is to get a job. Working doesn't seem particularly fun, but there are several reasons to pursue a job. Foremost is that I need money to be independent and pursue my other goals. Second, I think having a job will help my self-esteem and make me feel that I am a part of society. Finally, it should break some of my reclusive nature.

So I spent all of yesterday job hunting. Thankfully my brother-in-law helped me out, because I would have had little idea of what to do otherwise. I have been job hunting before, unsuccessfully, but I don't really know what places to look at and I find forms vague in some cases. So he gave me some pointers and helped me come up with a list of places and stayed while I called the first few. Pizza delivery guy seems to be what I'm mainly looking at, as that's what's hiring and it seems like a good job. I really hope that I can get an interview. If I can get an interview, I think, depending on the person who's hiring, I either have the job or I don't. It's not that I'm good at interviews or talking to people in general. I think I have a chance to seize the job because I'm very serious about getting one and I think I would be very good at it. As long as I don't completely screw up and I don't become petrified with fear, I think I'll be able to present myself very convincingly. So, if the person doesn't mind my personality and doesn't mind someone with no experience, I think I'll be able to get the job.