You Are Confused

One attribute of mine that it seems few others possess is my obliviousness to what I'm supposed to do. It seems that many aren't accustomed to giving the explanations that I require. I imagine that I'm either particularly obsessive about doing everything correctly or I lack common sense. I think both factors play a role. The hilarious part is that when I try to do something without a detailed explanation, I manage to do it completely differently from how it should be done. That's another point. Someone may think, "Just do this," but there are really many factors that determine why something should be a certain way. Being unacquainted with these factors, I find it easy to stumble into one of the many incorrect methods. On the other hand, it's implied that others don't run into the same problems that I do. So you can consider me an obsessive space cadet. I'm very on task for a space cadet, though; I'm just easily disoriented.

Today I opened a bank account. Cool, right, it's like my money is going on all sorts of crazy adventures instead of cushioning my sleep. So, I looked up the interest rate online and guess what? It blows. However, I then looked up the rate of inflation, and guess what? It's negative. So, while it turns out that I am actually making some money on interest, I'd be making about the same amount if the money stayed in my mattress. Also about dealing with the bank, see the above paragraph. So many dumb questions I asked. "Just write my name here?" "Yes" "Sign it?" "Yes."

I didn't do much this memorial day weekend, even though I had Sunday and Monday off. There were a couple of cook outs and that was all. Oh yes, my dad's fiance was there. It's a long distance relationship. Anyway, she stayed at my dad's house, which is where I was, and was annoying as hell. It's one thing to be annoying, but it's a very different thing to be annoying while living in the same house as I am. She was loud, in the way, and pestered me to the point of harassment as well as made my dad much louder and annoying. Did I mention that she did all of this where I live? It's fine to be like that at some sort of social event, but it's awful when I want to relax and think.

Hopefully there aren't any hitches in my plans to move out. My plan is to do so this July if everything works out. I have no long term goals. I may have mentioned it before, but I'd like to get Dungeon Quest going. I've put some thought into it during the last few days, but I haven't made any real progress in the design. I'd like to be able to make money doing something creative indepently, such as making games, so Dungeon Quest is important. I don't expect to make money off of it, but it's an important test and stepping stone. That doesn't mean if I don't finish it that all is lost, but I still think it's significant. If nothing creative pans out, I might try going back to school, joining the army, or working for the state government. I don't like the idea of going to school because it's so expensive. Joining the army isn't a bad idea because I can get training for a job and also make some money, but it's a pretty big commitment. Working for the state is a good choice if I want to still pursue the creative stuff, but I'll probably have difficulty getting a job. I could get an Associate degree or enter the military and have a good shot at working for the state, though I'd probably be looking at other jobs as well if I did that. My current job is OK, though. I'm starting to get the hang of it a bit and I expect to make enough money. It just isn't something that I would like to do forever. I have bigger ambitions. I don't have huge ambitions from a monetary standpoint, but I'd like to do something noteworthy. By noteworthy I don't mean of historical note, but something that I can really get behind and be excited about. If I'm doing something that makes me happy and I'm making enough money then I'm completely satisfied. I find it hard to understand people who put lots of emphasis on money. A few people that I work with have other full time jobs. WTF? How do people even enjoy the money if all they do is work? The same goes for the manager, who's also the owner. He is always busy. Although a lot of that busy time involves chatting with people on the phone, he still spends crazy hours doing it. I would assume that he must like his job a lot if he's willing to commit so much of his life to it. I don't think that I would enjoy managing a pizza place that much. Personally, I refuse to make my job my life. It's a lot like an MMO. MMOs are addictive, considering all the carrots and competition, but they're largely pointless and unfun. So I don't play MMOs (anymore).

You Drive North. You Drive North. You Drive North.

So, my job is pretty rough. Of course it depends on what you consider rough. I like the people I'm around and the job could be more grueling. What I don't like, however, are tricky situations. There are about four things in particular that I hate. The first is not knowing what to do. Standing around on the clock or being told to do something without any details as to how to do it isn't cool. Second, not being able to understand people over the phone is uncomfortably awkward. I feel horrible when I have to say, "I'm sorry, what was that?" because I have difficulty understanding. Sometimes people have heavy accents, native or foreign, but sometimes I simply have a difficult time interpreting the garble of sounds into words. Third, also dealing with taking orders, I hate being asked something that I don't know. I know a lot more than when they left me on the phones alone on a Saturday evening my first day, but there are a lot of questions and situations that I don't know the answer to. Lastly, I hate finding addresses. Streets aren't bad, but the exact house or, even worse, apartment can be difficult to find, particularly at night. Isn't there a better way than having to call the person because I can't see any of the addresses?

Despite these difficulties, I refuse to cave. My indomitable will must carry me through all adversities. I also need money. One day I'll find a better way of making money, but this is a good job that's helping me overcome some of my largest problems. It's like I'm training myself to be a normal person. Hopefully I'll be able to work more comfortably soon.

You Delay the Inevitable

Alright, guys, so it looks like I've broken from my basement-dweller habits, at least for the time being. I've procured a job at a local pizza plant. I feel like a tamed animal being released back into the wild or a Martian attempting to infiltrate planet Earth's hierarchy to learn their tasty secret recipes. Needless to say, associating with 3D pigs and impatiently awaiting monetary compensation for said association is indubitably stressful. I hope to eventually adapt to their stench and uncanny portrayal of depth.

Who knows what the future will hold, but I'm hoping for cool shit. Also, I'm going to have to get back to work on Dungeon Quest soon.

Zzzzzz

I'm fucking tired. I've had a headache since yesterday. Today I've been getting more applications. I got a lot of them, so I'll return them tomorrow. I hate filling out applications. When I fill out an application I continually envision the employer glancing over it and then tossing it aside. I also struggle with various fields that I'm not certain how to answer.

So I'm tired and I have a headache. I'm not cut out for this. I don't think I'm cut out for much. I'm simply depressed now. I can't let myself get depressed. I have to think of Misaki. I don't have any strong feelings for the character, but she's symbolic for my goals. Misaki also reminds me that no one is going to show up at my doorstep to help me out--I have to do it myself.

Maybe I don't actually care. Maybe nothing is important to me. I feel numb and can't tell. Would I regret it if I gave up? No, I wouldn't regret it. I would like to believe that certain things would make me happy. I wouldn't mind forfeiting them even if I knew it for certain.

I doubt that society cares about me. What is my happiness to anyone else? I'm not an island; my success lies in the hands of others. How easily may I be ostracized? I don't think I'm asking for anything unreasonable. I want to support myself and pursue my goals. Those who I depend on seem satisfied to ignore me. Maybe this is simply misanthropic paranoia. I hope that it is.

You Stare into the Metaphoric Distance

Reading NHK led me to a desire for change. One of differences I noted between myself and Sato is that there are things that I want to do. One of the things that has led to my lifestyle is my nihilistic outlook. Nothing is important to me. I don't care about consequences and I don't care about loss. Sometimes I feel loss. Though even when I feel loss, I probably could have prevented losing whatever I lost had I cared. But this form of nihilism isn't particularly conscious. I may care a great deal for something consciously, but inwardly I can throw it away without blinking. So I relate with having no strong desires. On the other hand, there are things that I think would make me happier. This is important because I'm not happy.

Because I want to be happy, I'm committing myself to certain goals. The biggest goal for me is to get a job. Working doesn't seem particularly fun, but there are several reasons to pursue a job. Foremost is that I need money to be independent and pursue my other goals. Second, I think having a job will help my self-esteem and make me feel that I am a part of society. Finally, it should break some of my reclusive nature.

So I spent all of yesterday job hunting. Thankfully my brother-in-law helped me out, because I would have had little idea of what to do otherwise. I have been job hunting before, unsuccessfully, but I don't really know what places to look at and I find forms vague in some cases. So he gave me some pointers and helped me come up with a list of places and stayed while I called the first few. Pizza delivery guy seems to be what I'm mainly looking at, as that's what's hiring and it seems like a good job. I really hope that I can get an interview. If I can get an interview, I think, depending on the person who's hiring, I either have the job or I don't. It's not that I'm good at interviews or talking to people in general. I think I have a chance to seize the job because I'm very serious about getting one and I think I would be very good at it. As long as I don't completely screw up and I don't become petrified with fear, I think I'll be able to present myself very convincingly. So, if the person doesn't mind my personality and doesn't mind someone with no experience, I think I'll be able to get the job.

You Attend an Offline Suicide Meeting

I occasionally read manga and watch anime. I don't watch much anime because it isn't on Cartoon Network anymore and downloading it is a hassle, plus it's uncomfortable to watch on the computer. I also read manga some, but I'm not into it much because, frankly, most of it sucks. I think there are some cultural divides and stuff that separate me from mangaka. It could just be that Japanese doesn't translate well. I've once had that problem while trying to speak with people in a different language, however, to be frank once more, people who natively speak English often don't understand what the hell I'm trying to say.

I started reading the NHK manga today. I would have read the novel, since that's more up my alley (colorful expression, eh?) than comics, but I couldn't find it quickly on Google, so I went for the manga. The anime would have been too much of a hassle for the reasons I listed earlier. Having so many options can be a major obstacle, but my keen process of elimination skills came through in the end. So, about Welcome to the NHK, the protagonist is me if I were a character in a manga. It's sort of pathetic. On one hand, I've experienced a lot of the thoughts and feelings of Sato, but on the other hand they aren't exactly the same and my reactions are largely different.

Am I a hopeless loser? I don't know how the manga turns out. I do know that a Misaki isn't going to knock on my door and try to help me out. But, back to the point, am I a hopeless loser? Will I continue to fail? Maybe I'm like an alcoholic or a compulsive gambler or some other loser who continues to make the same mistakes over and over again. I don't want to believe that. I've always thought that I was different, but maybe I'm not. I'm not exactly like Sato. I'm a misanthrope, but I like to be around people. I don't trust them. I'm scared that I'll screw up, which I do very often. However, I still like being around people and feeling accepted. I'd like to say that I'm not a complete slave to my impulses and fears. My willpower varies. Sometimes I feel more confident and I can muster up the resolve fight through my emotions, but I often succumb to them. I don't know if I'll ever be able to fit into society or complete any of my goals. I don't know if I'll ever be happy. Maybe?

I'm now transitioning to anecdotes and stuff that relates to NHK! *six million dollar man sound effect*

Solicitors:
I always screw up while talking to them and expose myself as a very odd person. Once a guy was doing a promotion for a restaurant or something. He asked, "Do you like good steak and seafood?" Sensing that this was a trick question, I answered, "I don't know?" He gave a putoff "OK" and walked briskly away. I also once asked a guy repeatedly who was in the midst of a vague pitch, "What do you want?" After asking a few times I ended the conversation with, "It's late." It was 7 pm, though I was going to bed early at the time. Though not a solicitor, a reporter once asked me what I thought about a fund-raising thing for Katrina victims that I was a part of. I responded with something along the lines of, "I think it's really awesome and neat and great and wonderful and cool and terrific," etc. She turned around and walked away.

Lolita:
I had a quickly passing obsession with lolita after discovering 4chan. Inevitably the shock or whatever wears off and it's no longer as hot.

Eroge Game:
I once contemplated making one. I even started on a prototype. It would have been text-based, because I'm no artist, and featured bondage. Bondage was another one of my passing fetishes.

MMO Addiction:
I have the tendancy to get into games pretty hardcore. The first game that screwed around my life was Infantry Online. I still have fond memories of it, though it completely ruined me for a period of months. I was sad when it became pay to play, though that may have been for the best. I also went through a pretty classic MMO addiction with Priston Tale, one of the first free 3D MMORPGs. Don't ask why I would prefer grinding to sleep. There's something about the snazzy spell animations and the ping when you get a level. Also, it's better than Diablo, even Diablo over battlenet, because there are so many people! MMOs, you are wiley indeed.

That's all I can think of. I don't want this to be a continually updated list. I mean, this is the third time that I've edited this post already. I'm not doing it again (hopefully).

Server Is Full, Try Again Later

I've been busy. I have just loads of stuff going on. Loads and loads. Little is actually being done, though, because I have a very unsatisfactory method of rotating which thing I focus on. I am busy, however. Today I started working on a game. I haven't done any programming in a while. I initially planned to make a key logging program to help with my Street Fighter skillz. I then realized that I never want to touch directx if I can help it. Instead I came up with a game that may or may not suck. The concept is that you have three shields. Balls shoot out and hit the shields. Both balls and shields can be different colors. You can change the colors of the shields. Depending on the color of the ball and shield when they hit, you may get points. I have most of the prototype done, but I want to rewrite it to configure everything from a file. I'll probably do that before I test it, because it's currently a mess. The first version of a program is like a first draft--meant for the wastebasket.

What else am I doing? Other stuff that I don't think fits within the realm of this blog. The purpose of this blog is pretty vague, but it's mainly to help me focus and vent. I don't want it to be a daily account of my life, though it might contain such elements.

Oh yeah, I cut my hair. It was getting pretty annoying. I think it came out alright. My beard looks fairly neat, and my hair looks a bit weird but not bad.